If I am appointed dictator of the United States, I promise that in my first 100 days in office I will implement the following initiatives.
- I will outlaw leaf blowers.
- I will authorize individuals in every community to spank and/or slap those who need such treatment.
- I will follow the lead of the Catholic Church when it decided that certain popes were not really popes after all and designated them as "anti-popes." In similar fashion, I will designate Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton as "anti-presidents."
- I will make a ruling that Barry Bonds' name will appear on all baseball record lists as ***** *****.
- I will award the Chicago Cubs with an Honorary World Championship for their outstanding record of humbly and consistently allowing other teams to achieve at their expense.
- I will appoint somebody to show me an Eastern Screech Owl, the one bird occurring regularly in Northern Illinois that I have never seen.
- I will order Bill Watterson to start writing Calvin and Hobbes strips again.
- I will get one of those devices for my car that turns all the traffic lights green in the direction I'm going.
- I will travel to Alaska and Hawaii, the two states I've never visited.
- I will shut off my alarm clock and start each day whenever I happen to wake up.
Thank you for your support.